They think that it must be all your fault or else it might appear to be all their fault – and they can’t cope with that possibility for psychological reasons. When problems and conflicts arise, instead of looking for solutions, HCPs look for someone to blame. They can’t restrain themselves, even though their blaming may harm themselves as well. To HCPs, it seems normal and necessary to intensely blame others. Preoccupation with blaming others (people close to them or people in authority) Unmanaged emotions (exaggerated anger, fear, sadness – out of proportion to events)Įxtreme behavior (yelling, hitting, lying, spreading rumors, impulsive actions, etc.) They tend to have a lot of:Īll-or-nothing thinking (one person is all good, another is all bad) It may be part of their personalities – how they automatically and unconsciously think, feel and behave – and they carry this pattern with them. HCPs have a repeated pattern of aggressive behavior that increases conflict rather than reducing or resolving it.
(If you want to start writing BIFF Responses right away, go straight to Chapter Two). Your BIFF responses will be better if you know this. To deal with them successfully requires a shift in how you think about them - so that you know what not to do, as well as what to do.
#Biff response examples how to#
But before I explain how to write a BIFF response, I want to give you a brief understanding of how HCPs think. I wrote this book to help you respond to anyone who tries to engage you with hostile emails, texts, Facebook and other social media postings, vicious rumors or just plain difficult behavior. They are the most difficult people, because they are preoccupied with blaming others – what I call their targets of blame – which may include you! They speak Blamespeak: Attack, defend – and attack again. Instead of sharing responsibility for solving problems, they repeatedly lose it and increase conflict by making it intensely personal and taking no responsibility.
When people repeatedly use personal attacks, I think of them as high-conflict people (HCPs), because they lack skills for dealing well with conflict. They are about the blamer’s inability to control himself and solve problems. But some people communicate this way a lot! It’s helpful to know that their personal attacks are not about you. Most of us have said something like this when we lost it – hopefully not too often. What’s the matter with you? Are you crazy? Stupid? Immoral? Unethical? Evil?Īnd then were you told everything that’s wrong with you and how you should behave? Read moreĬHAPTER ONE High-Conflict People and Blamespeak Anyone can use this method to help someone else with a BIFF response – by asking 10 simples questions to make it even more effective. This Second Edition includes a new chapter on Coaching for BIFF Responses. See if you can do a BIFF! Not everyone can! It takes practice! This little book gives over 20 examples of BIFF responses for all areas of life-plus additional tips to help you deal with high-conflict people anywhere. BIFF was designed to protect you and your reputation by responding quickly and civilly to people who treat you rudely, while being reasonable in return.īIFF stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm.Ī BIFF response is easy to remember, but hard to do. It can help you get along with difficult family members, friends, neighbors and others anywhere in your life. It can be used at work, earning you respect and success. We also live in a Culture of Blame and Disrespect…Ī BIFF Response can be applied in any communication anywhere – online, social media, in a letter or even in person.
We live in an age of rapid change and instant communication.
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